Unmissed connections: are words betraying us?
What we miss when we intellectualize our communication
On my recent trip to Turkey, I had the opportunity to go to dinner and stay with my friend's 80-year-old mom in Izmir. She is a sweet 80-year-old woman who spoke no English (and I don't speak Turkish), yet somehow, we understood each other more than any words could do justice to the warmth exchanged between us. In fact, we probably connected more deeply because we had to rely on everything else outside of our diction: trust, body language, and mutual respect for our differing cultural backgrounds.
Words can betray us, especially when getting to know someone. Our life experiences shape particular parlance and phrasing consciously or subconsciously, and the audience construes them based on their experiences. When words are spoken, we tend to ignore the nonverbal cues and even bypass our intuitions (93% of communication attributed to nonverbal is now controversial and outdated). When certain words trigger us, we can spend more time dissecting our sentences than assessing their sincerity or intention, or worse, making unfounded assumptions.
When my friend's mother gestured to me, I read from her facial expression that she was concerned about my comfort and warmth. Had she had the English words, she might have asked me whether I needed an extra towel, which only partially convey her loving intention. I firmly believe humans tend to give each other more faith and leeway with less data, and sometimes words are terrible data points.
This experience reminded me of my mom's story from when she attended an English as a Second Language (ESL) class. Her fellow students were from all over the world: South America, Asia, Europe, etc., all with minimal command of the English language. Yet somehow, they communicated seamlessly, swapped daily updates, and even laughed at jokes! Ironically, my mom said, the only person in the dark was the English teacher, who felt left out from an unspoken discourse conveyed through wild arm gesturing and food sharing. The classroom felt like a big group of best friends with inside jokes each person told themselves, without confirming if the other person understood the same. As long as they laughed together, why go through the trouble of translating the exact meaning? I am sure the frustration of feeling like an outsider in a new country helped the students bond, too.
Still, I can't help but think that when the students lacked a common language, they were compelled to focus entirely on understanding the other person's feelings and intentions rather than struggling to translate unfamiliar words. Even as native English speakers are not consumed with correct translations, we are often more focused on formulating our responses rather than giving the other person our full attention.
If you have been following me for a while, you know I am a big believer in enhancing one's communication skills. Even as AI takes over much of copywriting, research, and some synthesis work, it will never replace the judgment we must practice in selecting our words and appropriate tone or the order in which we tell that story. In fact, I predict that the ability to tell stories compellingly will be even more valued when we are inundated with AI-generated generic content; after all, innovations in fast food simultaneously improved low-quality food accessibility while helping fine dining stand out. AI can help present options for words or phrases based on science, but which you choose to use will still be an art.
In the process of intellectualizing our thoughts, we may lose sight of the intention and feelings behind them. When I write my emails with such brevity to ensure no phrase mistakenly carries double meanings, am I missing the opportunity to convey how excited I am to collaborate? Since the trip, I have been more mindful about understanding others beyond their words to give the benefit of the doubt that the speaker may not be doing justice to their intentions with their diction. But there's a different trap there, too--we sometimes project our own ideals and feelings onto others' words and ignore the literal meaning. Perhaps the solution here is to use emojis more often ;)